A little over 4 months ago, I found myself at a pivotal point in my life. I came to a very dangerous crossroad that had me contemplating if life was still worth living. Despite all of my accomplishments and all the great things others seem to think of me, I was sinking... Have you ever found yourself in a sunken place? You know that place where you know you've made terrible choices that weren't mistakes because you knew exactly what the outcome would be and you did it anyway. You know that place where those decisions caught up to you and it felt like your world was coming crashing down all at once... That's the space I'm referring to. In that moment, I sat in my bathroom floor engulfed in tears of self pity and shame... I wanted to give up! Or did I? The truth is, I felt sorry for myself. I wanted someone or something to sympathize with me and hear my story of my damaged childhood and make sense of all my foolishness.... I wanted to feel better but I didn't want to face ME! It was in the moment I realized enough was enough. I asked myself "How long will you live like this? How long will you remain a volunteer victim because now you actually have a choice". The reality is, we are all products of the homes we were raised in, however that doesn't have to define our totality and who we chose to be as adults. For far too long I had allowed the tragic loss of my father and the sexual abuse in my childhood to define who I was in my emotional capacity. I looked to people and relationships to fulfill a void that in fact only could be filled by God showing me and teaching me how to love myself...But in order to do that, you have to be willing to FACE YOURSELF!!
Change is inevitable so whether we accept it or not, it will happen the question is WILL YOU BE FORCED TO CHANGE? And that's where I found myself. After all the warnings and the many exit doors I'm sure God provided along the way, I wanted to do what I wanted until CHANGE was forced upon me... If ever you reach that point in life, you're faced with two choices; CHANGE or BE CHANGED... I decided that for far to long changes were happening within my life without my permission and that it was time for me to be honest with myself and do something different. Change is scary, especially for someone who has to be in control and has been so comfortable for so long as the "victim". How could I learn to live free of negativity and be fully happy and accepting of myself? It started with the will to GO!! See as I stated in the beginning, this was a pivotal point in my life. What did I have to lose? Instead of second guessing, I picked myself up from the bathroom floor and I decided in that moment I would FACE ME!! I would stop running from me and MY CHOICES and do the necessary work to live a emotionally stabled and fulfilled life.... For those of you right now who may be at a place in your life where you are just tired... perhaps you feel you've tried everything and you're all out of options.....maybe you've had enough of experiencing the same hurt over and over again....It's not too late... Just pick up and GO....
Randomly, the other day I decided to read the book of Ruth in the bible and what I really admired most about her was that she never asked questions, she trusted Naomi and she went wherever she was told to go... It made me realize that many of us spend our lives disappointed because we ask too many questions... we end up missing the blessings God has for us when we are constantly asking questions....I encourage whoever is reading this today to make today a new start for you...commit to your journey.....get rid of anything and anyone that is a distraction....and most importantly you have to just get up and GO!
No comments:
Post a Comment