Don't Forget Your Umbrella

I am finding that the idiom "when it rains it pours" to be very true. Particularly when you're on the right path and things seem to be looking up, you'll look outside and see the rain clouds in the distance but still think you can outsmart the forecast so you leave home without your umbrella. For those of us to pay a lot of money for our hair and clothes, I'm sure you know the extreme frustration of leaving out the house without an umbrella only to find ourselves running for shelter in attempt to dodge the rain, which never seems to work out successfully.

By now you know I am not literally referring to the rain but I'm speaking about life. When all seems to be going well and it seems like things are looking up, life decides to rain on our parade. Out of nowhere ,with no warning, we are hit with a curve ball be it in our finances, a flat tire, a sick child or family member, etc. These moments are most upsetting because we didn't see it coming. I mean who really wakes up and says "Ok let me pack my antibiotic in case my child gets sick, or let me make sure I have $5,000 in my purse in case an unexpected bill decides to come in the mail"? I don't think any of us do and if so, please tell me your trick. 

Even though we may not take these extreme precautions, it's important to be on guard especially when everything is going great. That's exactly how the enemy works... He's on standby just waiting for us to rest in the new found comfort or peace we now have and that's when he makes his move. The reality is because we don't see these things coming there really is no true way to plan for every curve ball you're thrown, but I'm reminded that if we keep God's word in out hearts we are forever protected. God's words is like an umbrella, it provides us with the protection we need to face those rainy days. I remember as a child my mother used to make us memorize bible versus. I must admit, I didn't understand the purpose and it was a bit annoying quoting these scriptures over and over every single day. But what I didn't know then was that my mother was only equipping me with the necessary tools I needed later on in life to face my rainy days. In no way am I implying that in the moment an unexpected event has occurred that magic will appear out of thin air, but I will say that I've found the word to provide comfort and clarity when you are faced with an unfortunate circumstance or event. 

What good is it to act out in rage and anger as if that will change the outcome. Why stand in the rain holding an umbrella and yell at the clouds demanding the rain to stop? It's so much easier to open your umbrella and keep on moving. I say that to say, when it rains in your life, be reminded of God's word. Be reminded to remain positive  and steadfast. Eventually, the rain will clear and the sun does shine again. It's a more promising outcome to be able to put down your umbrella once the rain has cleared versus having to wait in the sun to dry off from the impact of being caught up in the rain with no umbrella....

-Nique

The Importance of Isolation

 

Today started out a bit confusing for me. As I continued to unpack my bags, I began feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all that I was carryingnin my bag. As I prepared myself for my day, I opened the safari browser on my phone, as I usually do, in search of a motivational lecture or message to provide me with some sort of relief or answer to the confusion that clouded my thoughts. I came across another insightful message from Sarah Jakes, but this wasn't exactly what I was expecting... Within the context of her message she stated something that resonated with me..."There's a point in life where God may call us to be alone and if we aren't careful we will see our isolation as punishment and if we move too soon we will never see all that God has for us"...

As I pondered upon these words, I found refuge. I realized that often times, if not almost always, our timing really is hardly ever the right time. For me, I began to feel this season of "isolation" and self-refection had basically ran its course and that I was ready to come out as this new and improved me. Ha!! I'm sure that was life's reaction to this thought because growth is a continuum and should be something that is never ending in our lives. I had minimized my season to what I thought would be a few months and then BOOM I'd be changed forever. How silly was it for me to think that 5 months of time alone to reflect would fix nearly 34 years of issues, trauma, hurt and pain. Then I realized, yet another item in my bag, I lack the patience to endure. Have you ever quit something too soon or even been sick and went to the doctors and was prescribed medication that you didn't take in it's entirety? Well I'm sure you know what happens next, a few weeks or months later you found yourself battling the same illness. I had to ask myself, did you ask God to show you a new way to get over things or are you really committed to allowing him to take you THROUGH it? I find that this tends to be the issue with many of us. In such a microwaved generation, we always want the quick fix when we all know there's nothing more appetizing than a home cooked meal. You know the meal your grandmother wakes up at the crack of dawn to prepare for and slaves in the kitchen for hours... That kind of meal can't happen by use of the microwave.

I began to recognize that my time in this season of seclusion is not in my control for if in fact it was I wouldn't be here in the first place. I'm learning the importance of time and having the patience to allow God to do his best work...You know, you can't rush the master when he's working on a masterpiece😊. If I'm fully committed to making the necessary changes in my life I first have to be willing to see them for that they are and then commit daily to a mind and ACTION shift. I asked myself do you really believe or do you just say you do because you're hoping that if you say it it'll actually start to manifest itself? But we all know that faith without works is a dead thing so in addition to me believing I also have to be intentional in my actions and in my thoughts. 

The danger of rushing the process is that if you eat food that isn't properly cooked, you risk getting seriously ill... Are you walking around ill because you weren't fully cooked? Hop back into the stove my friend, you're not ready yet.... In a recent conversation with my friend (I hope she doesn't kill me for sharing) she was sharing with me how she feels alone and often feels a way when everyone around her seems to be happy in relationships. I then asked her, do you feel that a relationship will make you any less lonely? I mean sure the physical presence of someone may provide some relief but will it be the cure to your loneliness? Is it fair to make someone else responsible to fulfill this need? This only reminded me of the importance of isolation. I believe that when we are faced with times of solitude that we should embrace them rather than resent and run from them. We cannot hear what we need to hear sometimes when we are in the presence of others. Sometimes the work that needs to be done within us is so great that sometimes this season may be longer than what we desire but it's all for your good in the end. Many, if not all, of the revelations I've gotten about myself have been in the alone and quiet times in my life. Instead of seeing isolation as reprimand you have to see it as a reward because something far greater than what you can even imagine is at hand....

-Nique

Unpack Your Bags

Just when you think you've gotten this whole "self-love" thing figured out, you may come to a reflection point where you have to dig deeper. One of the most important things that has to happen as you are learning to love yourself is also the ability to be honest with yourself. It's very easy to reflect on life and pin point where others in your life have caused you hurt and pain but sometimes the blame game can get in the way of ones ability to critically and honestly look at themselves.

As I reflected today, it dawned on me that maybe in fact a lot my disappointments have come from the fact that I hadn't dealt with my own baggage. To be even more transparent, I realized that my ADD (self-diagnosis) isn't just limited to my inability to focus on trivial things, but also in my relationships and dealings with people. As I continued reflecting, it dawned on me that I can in fact be very self centered and even though it may be unintentional, it doesn't make it right or excusable. See the task of unpacking your bag isn't just about acknowledging all the great things about yourself but also being real about the not so good things that perhaps need to be unpacked and thrown away. I realized that because I felt unimportant and overlooked within my family, in my relationships and friendships I've made it a point to be the most important thing. While it's okay it put yourself first, the trouble with this is that you cannot be so self absorbed that you don't consider others around you. In fact, this was a huge portion of what took up a lot of space in my bag. I became so engulfed in my successes and my life that for friends and significant others it was either get in where you fit in or get left.... WOW....

I'm sure you can imagine the guilt and disappointment I felt in realizing this, but it was important for me to see this things for exactly what it is. I hadn't taken the time to even thoroughly explore others worlds being too busy caught up in my own... I made others pay the cost for damage and hurt they had nothing to do with; this is also a transference of my baggage to now becoming theirs. How unfair is it to go into new relationships or friendships with our bags full without taking the time to unpack? We go from relationship to relationship or friendship to friendship so quickly and then are often disappointed with the outcome but who can we blame for this?

I knew upon beginning this journey that everyday wasn't going to be sunshine and flowers. Committing to self-love also means being honest with yourself. That means taking the time to unpack your bag and discarding those things that will continue to cause us problems in future relationships and friendships. Even in writing this post, I am still unpacking... I realize that making excuses is just like unpacking my bag and putting everything right back in it. Have you ever ended a relationship or friendship just to discover some of those persons habits became yours? And sometimes it's the very thing you didn't like about the person... So here's the good news.... You can always stop, put down your bag and unpack... Sometimes this may mean apologizing to others and most importantly being honest and giving yourself another chance to get it right. Sometimes unpacking your bag may mean ending relationships and friendships because you may realize you actually don't have the space to take on other things from others bags...

Ask yourself, what's in my bag? What needs to go and what are things that can stay? What is beneficial and what is harmful to where I am growing? You know it'll be a much easier journey when you "pack light"......

-Nique 

Purposeful Connections

Along my journey, I've come in contact with many other women who are experiencing some of the same things I am and its often times easier to get through difficult times when you have people or a person you can relate to. However, I have discovered that you have to be really careful with who you are connecting with especially during a time when you're most vulnerable. Sometimes vulnerability will cause you to look past red flags that don't need to be overlooked.

When making connections with people, most people tend to easily click with those who mostly agree with them because this makes them feel the person understands them. While this makes sense, you have to step back and ask yourself is what this person or persons are agreeing with even what's best for me. We are more likely to push away the person who says something that makes us uncomfortable or challenges our perspective especially in the event we have just went through a break up, or had an argument with a friend or relative. In these circumstances we pick up our phones and scroll through our contacts and look for that friend we know will validate everything we say even the bad things. But how beneficial is it to connect with those who won't challenge you? How can you grow with a one sided perspective? It's very intentional when you're looking through your phone for that person to call and you scroll past the honest friend because you know for a fact that person is going to keep it 100 and if we're honest with ourselves that's the person you NEED to hear from in these types of situations. People often use the saying "it's easier said than done" and I've come to really despise this saying because the reality is often what needs to be done is never easy but we also make it hard by making this statement truth in our lives... In fact, I don't believe that it's the doing that's hard I believe it's the acceptance of the truth of what must be done that creates challenges for people. So it makes sense that many of us connect to and with those who will always agree with us, hence us finding ourselves in the same situations with the same sad endings.

Ask yourself, are the people I am connected with always agreeing with my perspective? Do they challenge my thinking? Is this connection even beneficial to my growth? Are my connections one sided? I use these questions especially when I've met a new associate and now more importantly before I consider someone a friend. I have a best friend, whom isn't someone I've known all my life, but is someone who no matter what will always keep it real with me. In doing so, there's also a balance of knowing what to say in moments I need to be built back up but also being honest about her perspective.

The danger with one-sided connections is that nothing in life is one-sided. It only perpetuates a narcissistic mindset and results in constant dissatisfaction. Furthermore, if I'm only able to see things from only my perspective, how am I fostering or even a candidate for a HEALTHY relationship, which includes friendships as well. I recently had an encounter with someone I considered a friend. We were both experiencing changes in our lives and connected because of them. Early on I noticed that despite our connection, this friend had a severe need of attention from her friends and others with whom she chose to date or communicate with. Initially I didn't see it as a problem until I started feeling uncomfortable being able to be honest and express to her how her needs were in my opinion unrealistic expectations of people. This is where I failed.... my connection with her endorsed her one-sided view.... see this isn't just about people connecting with you but also, you connecting with people. We do a disservice to people when we are not able to challenge them even if they aren't willing to receive your perspective. And if in fact that ends up being the case, than perhaps that may mean there is no true connection between you and this person or people and it's okay to deal with people in another capacity or not at all.

Sometimes we feel bad when we end relationships or friendships that we know aren't contributing to our growth. We may feel compelled to stay in friendships and relationships longer due to the amount of time you've known or been with the person or because you don't want to hurt the person. But the reality is the longer you spend connected to someone who you know is not a contributor to your growth, peace or happiness, than you cannot be disappointed with the tragic outcome. I think many of us will live more fulfilling lives if we are honest about our needs and about what we can and cannot do. If I know I cannot meet your needs then it's unfair for me to hold up space in someones life. I challenge you to evaluate the connections in your life... your friends....lover....family members... are these connections a hindrance or a help to where you are headed in your life....

-Nique

Accepting the Journey

A little over 4 months ago, I found myself at a pivotal point in my life. I came to a very dangerous crossroad that had me contemplating if life was still worth living. Despite all of my accomplishments and all the great things others seem to think of me, I was sinking... Have you ever found yourself in a sunken place? You know that place where you know you've made terrible choices that weren't mistakes because you knew exactly what the outcome would be and you did it anyway. You know that place where those decisions caught up to you and it felt like your world was coming crashing down all at once... That's the space I'm referring to. In that moment, I sat in my bathroom floor engulfed in tears of self pity and shame... I wanted to give up! Or did I? The truth is, I felt sorry for myself. I wanted someone or something to sympathize with me and hear my story of my damaged childhood and make sense of all my foolishness.... I wanted to feel better but I didn't want to face ME! It was in the moment I realized enough was enough. I asked myself "How long will you live like this? How long will you remain a volunteer victim because now you actually have a choice". The reality is, we are all products of the homes we were raised in, however that doesn't have to define our totality and who we chose to be as adults. For far too long I had allowed the tragic loss of my father and the sexual abuse in my childhood to define who I was in my emotional capacity. I looked to people and relationships to fulfill a void that in fact only could be filled by God showing me and teaching me how to love myself...But in order to do that, you have to be willing to FACE YOURSELF!! 

Change is inevitable so whether we accept it or not, it will happen the question is WILL YOU BE FORCED TO CHANGE? And that's where I found myself. After all the warnings and the many exit doors I'm sure God provided along the way, I wanted to do what I wanted until CHANGE was forced upon me... If ever you reach that point in life, you're faced with two choices; CHANGE or BE CHANGED... I decided that for far to long changes were happening within my life without my permission and that it was time for me to be honest with myself and do something different. Change is scary, especially for someone who has to be in control and has been so comfortable for so long as the "victim". How could I learn to live free of negativity and be fully happy and accepting of myself? It started with the will to GO!! See as I stated in the beginning, this was a pivotal point in my life. What did I have to lose? Instead of second guessing, I picked myself up from the bathroom floor and I decided in that moment I would FACE ME!! I would stop running from me and MY CHOICES and do the necessary work to live a emotionally stabled and fulfilled life.... For those of you right now who may be at a place in your life where you are just tired... perhaps you feel you've tried everything and you're all out of options.....maybe you've had enough of experiencing the same hurt over and over again....It's not too late... Just pick up and GO.... 

Randomly, the other day I decided to read the book of Ruth in the bible and what I really admired most about her was that she never asked questions, she trusted Naomi and she went wherever she was told to go... It made me realize that many of us spend our lives disappointed because we ask too many questions... we end up missing the blessings God has for us when we are constantly asking questions....I encourage whoever is reading this today to make today a new start for you...commit to your journey.....get rid of anything and anyone that is a distraction....and most importantly you have to just get up and GO!